iPhone 5? I can’t handle the guilt.

Yesterday morning, I woke up sobbing. My cheeks were actually wet with tears. IT Guy came to my side of the bed and stroked my hair. “Shhh . . . shhhh, ” he soothed, “It’s okay. It’s just a dream.”

“Is my iPad right there?” I choked out between sobs, “Is it okay?”

My iPad was sitting on my nightstand, just like always. I reached over and touched the green cover with my fingers, just to be sure it was there, whole and functional.

“I dreamed that the dog ate my iPad,” I cried. “There was nothing left but iPad pieces.”

IT Guy just stared at me.

It’s not normal to cry because you dreamt the dog ate your iPad, is it?

—

Last night, I had another dream about an Apple product. I had the new iPhone. It was the latest, greatest phone. Everyone who saw it was jealous. The characters from the tv show, Angel were jealous between battling evil demons and vampires. (I need to stop watching Angel on Netflix before bed.) But I couldn’t figure out how to work the phone. It wouldn’t do any of the cool things it was supposed to do. I found myself wishing for my old, less amazing phone. I wasn’t worthy.

–

I’m not worthy. That’s what these dreams are about. I’m not worthy of an iPhone 5.

But I’m getting one. It’s already been ordered and it will be showing up at my house in a week or so. IT Guy isn’t getting one. Just me.

I’m getting the new, latest greatest Apple gadget. This never happens, and it’s clearly making me very uncomfortable.

IT Guy is the tech lover here, not me. He’s the early adopter. I am more practical. I wait and wait and wait until I absolutely must upgrade. I was using a Palm Pilot phone long after the iPhone came onto the market. Eventually, I finally got a 3GS. It had been on the market for a year or maybe more. I loved my 3GS.

Then the iPhone 4 came out. IT Guy got one. I jealously eyed the superior camera on the 4, but I kept using my 3GS. IT Guy got an iPad. I didn’t see the need and I didn’t get one until he insisted last year. (He thought it would help my teaching. He was right.) When the iPhone 4S came out, IT Guy upgraded. I didn’t.

I kept using my 3GS until my wonderful friend, Rick, mailed me his old iPhone 4 because he was upgrading and didn’t need it anymore. That’s the phone I have been using for the last 18 months – a wonderful, hand me down 4.

But it’s starting to have issues. The big button doesn’t work consistently. Since an iPhone only has the one button, when that button doesn’t work, it can be a big problem. But it still works mostly – just not always.

When the iPhone 5 was announced last week, IT Guy said, “You’re eligible for an upgrade. You need a new phone. I’m ordering an iPhone 5 for you.”

“But . . . but . . what about you? You want a 5, don’t you?”

“I’m not eligible yet. Plus you need it more than I do. You can have a nicer phone than your husband for once. It’s okay.”

So he ordered a brand new iPhone 5 for me, and I’ve been having guilty dreams every since.

My inner dialogue sounds like this: “It’s too expensive. I can manage with my 4. So what if the button doesn’t work all the time? It works most of the time, right? Sometimes it just needs to be pushed 2 or 3 or 15 times. That’s all. And maybe it randomly crashes and freezes. It’s not happening every day yet. I mean, it’s still mostly functional, right?”

This is why no one should try and buy me nice things. I have too much guilt to handle it.

Too much guilt and a dream dog who likes to eat Apple products.